I'd like to tell the guy whose cab I stole in the downpour last week that I am very sorry. But to my mother, whose driving I criticized recently? Not so much.

Elizabeth Bernstein discusses the numerous ways men, females, strangers and family members express regret.

I'm in first-class company on this. According to recent analysis from Canadian psychologists, folks ask for forgiveness about four times a week. But, on average, they offer up these apologies much more often to strangers (22% of the time) than to romantic companions (11%) or family members (7%). The only folks we make an apology to more? Friends (46%).

Why is it so laborious to utter "I'm sorry" to an individual we love? Ask Phil Peachey. He knew he was in conflict as soon as he woke up one morning to find his wife banging utensils throughout the kitchen. What was wrong? "Nothing," she said. He asked her again. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Then he came up with the answer: Pinot Grigio-a lot of it-which he'd drunk the night before. Had he really told her he didn't have faith in her sense of direction and labeled her "stupid"?

Uh-oh. Mr. Peachey, a 47-year-old real-estate broker in Orlando, Fla., quickly presented his most appropriate apology: "Is there anyone who would like a new pair of shoes?"

"Nothing says 'I'm sorry' like Christian Dior," he says.

Odds are your mom taught you that it is essential to apologize if you've done something wrong-and to genially acknowledge an apology when one is provided. The act of making amends is extremely important to maintaining cohesion in both our private relationships and the world at large.

Apologies are so necessary that numerous hospitals train their staffs to say they are apologetic to patients and their families following a medical error since they've discovered it deters negligence lawsuits. Economists have shown that corporations offering a mea culpa to discontented consumers fare better than ones offering financial compensation.

But apologies can be problematic. They are not always forthcoming, or even straightforward. Making things worse, there's a gender "apology gap": Males and women have distinctive strategies and different expectations when it comes to acts of contrition.

Conventional wisdom affirms females apologize too much, and men do not apologize frequently enough. Ladies are skillful at fostering relationships, the thinking goes, whereas guys are overly self-centered to say they are repentant or have a totally different regard on societal graces. Yet there's no evidence that females are more effective than males at apologizing-they simply do it more often, occasionally for insignificant offenses.

Two small studies at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, released last month by the journal Psychological Science, imply males are just as inclined as women to ask for forgiveness if they imagine they've done something wrong. Men just have a completely different idea of what defines "something wrong."

In the initial analysis, 66 men and women kept daily diaries and recorded each and every time they committed-or were on the receiving end-of an offense. They also reported whether or not an act of contrition was issued. The outcome: Women had been offended more frequently, and they provided more apologies on behalf of their own behavior. But guys were just as likely as girls to apologize if they believed they'd done anything wrong.

In the 2nd study, 120 subjects imagined committing offenses, from being rude toward a companion to inconveniencing someone they live with. The males said they would ask for forgiveness much less frequently. The research workers concluded the males had a greater threshold for what they found distasteful. "We don't think that ladies are too sensitive or that men are insensitive," states Karina Schumann, one of the study's authors. "We just realize that women are more sensitive."

Sandra Elmoznino, 27, a New York City educator, says she apologizes all the time, whether for calling a friend too early in the morning or showing up two minutes late. "I want to be in everyone's good graces," she says. "It's an anxiety thing."

Recently, however, Ms. Elmoznino has begun to feel that the constant apologizing has turned into a handicap. Her friends mock her concerning it. Men she has dated find it annoying. Her twin brother informed her it makes her seem unsure of herself. As a consequence, she's nowadays making a cognizant attempt to apologize only when she's really done something unsuitable. "I do not wish to be like the boy who cried wolf," she says.

Funny, the guys I spoke with agreed that women are excessively sensitive, though most of them were reluctant to talk on the record. I promised anonymity, though, and they piped up:

"Apologize? What lingo is that?"

"Women worry too much."

"One of the primary requirements of getting into relationships with women is to practice saying 'I'm sorry' as many times as you are able to."

"If a spouse speaks in the forest and no one hears him, is he still wrong?"

I pressed on, and asked guys to account for exactly why they apologize-when they do:

"To move on."

"To end the drama." (Hmm. This from a man who's apologized recently to me.)

"To be truthful, men never-well, practically never-have any idea what we are apologizing for," says Mark Stevens, 63, chief executive of MSCO, a Rye Brook, N.Y., marketing consulting corporation.

Mr. Stevens says during his 35-year marriage he has sincerely apologized to his wife, Carol, just 5 times-but has said he's remorseful an extra 3,500 times. He calls these mea culpas "fraudulent apologies." They go something like this: "I don't understand why you're unhappy, but I'm sorry."

"Ninety percent of apologies are to maintain the peace," he adds. "How can you have a sincere apology if you don't comprehend what you've done?"

He still remembers when, years past, he and his wife decided to acquire a holiday dwelling in Vermont and consider it their anniversary gift to each other. On the night of the anniversary, though, he found his wife slamming silverware into a drawer. (Sound familiar?) His transgression: He hadn't bought her a gift.

"Despite the agreement we each made, I apologized because I realized she was hurting and I had overlooked something," Mr Stevens states. ("He has no clue," says Ms. Stevens, 57. "Sometimes I'll just let it go.")

Mr. Peachey, of the Pinot Grigio episode, says he also was making an attempt to do his best. To exhibit regret, he took his spouse to the mall and bought her the shoes-and an iPad. "That became a $1,000 insult," he calculated.

Yet his spouse, Rochelle, the 46-year-old director of an Internet dating site, says all she truly needed was the apology: "I informed him, had he just placed his arms around me and said he was so sorry he screwed up and that he loved me, that would have been sufficient."

Need help with your own apologies? Right here are some tips:

Understand what you did wrong. If you are not sure, inquire.

Express real regret. Don't say: "I'm sad you are hurt," that suggests the person is too touchy. Say: "I am unhappy I hurt you."

Don't be defensive. Don't make use of the word "but," as in, "I am sorry, but…"

Offer to make adjustments. It helps to say, honestly, that you will endeavor not to make the identical wrongdoing all over again.

Don't throw in the kitchen sink. If you're the individual who desires the apology, stick to the topic at hand. Don't bring up past slights.

Take a crack at wit. A little self-deprecation can go a long way.

Do not hesitate. Simply do it. An imperfect apology is more desirable than none at all.